Category: Baby

Love Makes a Family

Boyd

Here are the first pictures of Juliette Rayne, born Saturday night at 11:13.  She weighed 7 lbs. 3 oz. and was 20 1/2 inches long.  She’s got a cute little head of hair, and lungs that are working just fine, thankyouverymuch.

It seems as if everything is a go for the adoption to go forward.  The plan right now is that she will be discharged tomorrow, after a brief entrustment ceremony with all the parents and grandparents at the hospital.  Then we go into the period known as “legal risk” which, hopefully, will be all over in a couple of weeks.

This has been such a long journey, but I know it will end well now. This child is such a blessing to everyone.

Good morning

Boyd

A good morning to you all.  And I mean it.

I woke up this morning with a sense that the darkest clouds had passed.  I finished re-reading Rabbi Kushner’s book yesterday afternoon and sat down and had a good cry (again).  And the tears felt like they cleaned out the corners of my soul that were still hurting.  But you know what, I cannot maintain any animosity toward Jennifer.  Oh, trust me, I have tried to work up a good head of steam – to get good and angry and go on an emotional tear, but it just isn’t coming. Mostly, I think, because I feel so sad for her.   Is it any wonder she didn’t want to go through it all alone?  Maybe Harald was right.  Maybe our job was to be Jennifer’s parents for five months, not the parent to her baby.  I have no doubt that she never consciously intended to end this the way it did, but I also think didn’t or couldn’t know what she herself was feeling and wanting, and so there was no way she could be honest with others if she couldn’t be honest with herself.  And I think “How can you practice or teach what you have never known?” I feel great pity for the little girl we thought would be ours.  I hope Jennifer is able to make some immediate and miraculous changes, but in my heart I only have a  prayer of blessing for both of them.

No one can ever take away the good things that happened to us over the past five months.  Those times of immense joy, hopeful expectation – those were all very real and they remain with us.  And although we knew we were cared for and loved, perhaps the greatest gift we have experienced is the genuine and extraordinary outpouring of care and affection and true love that we have seen demonstrated for us again and again and again.  That our friends, neighbors and loved ones have grieved along side us has kept us from feeling alone.  And far from being tested, my faith has been strong, because I have felt the indwelling presence of the Spirit so much the past five days.  I have no doubt that God sent the Great Comforter to be with us, and that has given my soul such a feeling of respite.

This morning I went to the Mercy Hospital maternity web site so see if there were pictures of Savannah (Jennifer’s chosen name) and there were, under Jennifer’s name and the birth date of April 2nd.  And it was really OK looking at them.  I downloaded all the birth day pictures from my camera and ordered them sent to Jennifer from the Target site.  Those pictures don’t belong to us any more.  I unpacked my hospital bag and put everything away.  It felt good to do all these things.  I feel like washing clothes, and cleaning off my desk of accumulated mail, and just getting our home back in order.  And I think I will take Beulah for a walk today.  It is far too nice to stay cooped up inside all day.

I know I will never be the same after what has happened.  How could I be?  But I am not immobilized.  I can move again.  I can put one foot in front of another and do the things that need to be done. I am very much alive.  And I belong here.  This is the poem that has been ruminating in my gut for days:

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Sad news about our baby girl

Boyd

For those of you who have not heard, I just wanted you to know that our latest attempt at enlarging our family failed this past week when the birth mother suddenly changed her mind and decided to parent the beautiful little baby girl, who we will always know as Siri Grace, last Thursday night.  She was born at 10:07 p.m. and Harald and I were both there assisting Jennifer during the delivery.  We were there for almost the entire 26 hour labor, and were with her for every push.  But apparently it was not meant to be.  We worked so hard on building a strong relationship with the birth mother over the past 5 months, and this feels like such a devastating and personal blow.

As you might imagine, we feel a profound, and at times overwhelming, sadness and sense of loss.  It feels like we had a daughter, and then lost her.  I vascillate between being OK and on an even keel and in emotional pain so strong that it bends me in half.  For all the grief I have experienced over the years, for friends, lovers, dear family – I have never felt this.  I can’t even begin to put words to it.  But I know that facing people is particularly hard for both of us right now.  Even though we aren’t making any decisions immediately, both of us have said this feels like it might be the end of our dream to become parents, and that only makes the grief that much more intense.  Maybe time and space will bring different results.

We have each decided to take some time off from work, just to be with one other in our process of grief and healing, and to try to figure out which pieces to pick up and put back and where.  Our faith is a constant help to us and I’ve been profoundly aware of the presence of the Holy Spirit during the past few days.  I have no doubt that God is with us. And I thank my God at all times for Harald’s presence, because I can’t imagine surviving this without him by my side.

First pictures of the new nursery

Boyd

Several people have asked to see pictures of the nursery, so I thought I would post a few. We got the room put back in order this morning and set up the portable crib and hung the valances and cleaned out the dresser and put all of Siri’s clothes away. This will give you a much better idea of how it all looks.  The color is called “Northern Pear Tree” and it is from the No-VOC line of paints at Home Depot called Freshaire Choice.  This was my first experience using No-VOC paints and I must tell you that it made the painting experience much more pleasant for me.  And the room has virtually no new-paint smell at all, which is a very good thing.

That is Harald and Karin’s baby carriage from when they were born. It’s a Simo Babylux from Norway. They don’t make them any more.